So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
