I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
