Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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