hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize