Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
