I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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