I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
