opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize