Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
