He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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