You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
