Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
