I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
