I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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