If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
