someone threw a dead crab at me
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
