does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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