Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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