You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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