I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
