Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
