i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
