So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
