I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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