The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
