Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
