I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
