If that was your dad, he is hot
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
