I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
