you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's always time for handjobs
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
