my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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