At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
