i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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