Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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