I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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