He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
