Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
