look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
