Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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