I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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