that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
