I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
