So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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