I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
