Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she peed on how many people?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Randomize
