my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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