only if we run a train.
done.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
