Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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