I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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