My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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