does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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