I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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