So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
