Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
