Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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