a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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