Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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