Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
