Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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