I am midnight drunk by noon
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
