Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
