Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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