my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
