Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
