Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
